A comedy of errors in Miami

So, England and France played a 6-4 thriller in Miami for the third-place trophy. Let’s be real: third-place games are the participation trophies of international football. They exist exclusively to sell beer and provide a few highlight reels for people who didn't get enough soccer during the real tournament. Watching France sleepwalk through a half only to find themselves down 4-0 by halftime was exactly the kind of mess we come to expect from a team that clearly would rather be anywhere else.

Adrien Rabiot called the performance "shameful," which is professional-athlete-speak for, "My flight home is already booked and I hate this grass." The fact that some French players openly griped that the match shouldn't have been played at all is peak modern international football. If you aren't playing for the hardware that actually matters, you're essentially performing a public service announcement for why these matches should go the way of the dodo.

The Saka conundrum

Then we have the Bukayo Saka situation, which is currently burning a hole in every England supporter's brain. The kid nets a hat-trick in this meaningless consolation prize of a match and immediately tells Thomas Tuchel he was fit and ready to go in the semi-final loss to Argentina. You can practically hear the tension in the locker room from across the Atlantic. Why sit your best creator when you're staring down an implosion against the South Americans?

Bukayo Saka tells Thomas Tuchel he is 'fit and would love to have played more'

Micah Richards has been vocal about how Tuchel’s decision looks even worse after the England-France display. If your star forward has to lobby for playing time after the tournament is already effectively over, you’ve lost the plot. Tuchel managed to turn a third-place game into a referendum on his own decision-making, which is, frankly, impressive in a car-crash sort of way.

The Jason Steele phenomenon

As if the chaos wasn't enough, we get the bizarre side-quest of Jason Steele. The 35-year-old goalkeeper has never been capped for the Three Lions, but he was in Miami dragging a bronze medal around like he’d actually had to deal with a penalty box full of strikers. The players dragging him up to collect the honor is definitely a heartwarming gesture, as reported by the Daily Mail, but it highlights how weird the vibes have become under the current setup.

It feels like a group of guys trying to manufacture a narrative because the actual tournament result—a semi-final exit—left such a bitter taste. We’re over here debating bridge keepers while the actual tactical issues against the big boys remain parked on the shelf. Gary Lineker is already looking toward Euro 2028, but if this is the management standard, we might be looking at a long road back.

The commentary booth is leaking

Oh, and we can’t forget the BBC feed. You know you’ve hit rock bottom when the commentary team is causing more waves than the defenders. Danny Murphy’s on-air outburst was the perfect soundtrack to a match that felt like a fever dream. If the pundits are losing it, you know the fans at home are already three lagers deep and questioning why they bothered to tune into a game that felt like a glorified training session.

We didn't get the glory, we didn't get the trophy, and we certainly didn't get a masterclass in coaching. We got a 6-4 frantic display of defensive apathy between two sides who desperately needed their summer holidays. England fans are rightfully confused. We have a star winger who feels ignored, a manager making bizarre lineup calls, and a third-place finish that feels more like a participation ribbon than an achievement.

Ultimately, Tuchel is going to spend the next few months dodging questions about why his primary threat was watching from the sidelines during the real games. He has the stats to point to now, but that hat-trick is just salt in the wound of what could have been. If the plan for 2028 is more of this disjointed theater, we might as well go back to watching old tapes of strikers like Alan Smith and Lineker, who at least knew when to stay in the bath rather than getting dragged through a meaningless Miami mud-pit.