Pre-season friendlies are the absolute worst

We are currently in the depths of July, staring down the barrel of another Premier League season. Clubs are flying around the globe to collect appearance fees in stadiums that don't know the offside rule. Chelsea and Tottenham are meeting for a pre-season friendly, and frankly, I could not care less.

You might be asking why we should tune in for this glorified training session. It is an all-Premier League affair, according to Mirror Football, but let's be real about what this actually is. It is a chance for managers to run the tape on players they will inevitably try to offload before the transfer window slams shut in August.

The tactical vanity project

Enzo Maresca is still trying to figure out how to organize the Chelsea locker room without it turning into a clown car. Meanwhile, Ange Postecoglou is probably just hoping no one pulls a hamstring on a pitch that was designed for American football. This isn't about points or glory; it's about not looking like a complete embarrassment in front of fans who paid way too much for tickets.

The defensive structure is usually the first casualty in these matches. Expect to see high lines that make no sense and fullbacks wandering into midfield like they're looking for a lost set of car keys. If you enjoy watching multi-millionaires jog around in humid conditions while trying not to get injured, you are in for a treat.

Why do we keep pretending this matters?

I have watched enough of these pre-season slogs to know that the result is meaningless. A 3-0 win for Tottenham wouldn't prove they are title contenders, and a Chelsea victory won't mean they have fixed their chaotic recruitment strategy. It is just noise before the real games start in mid-August.

We are constantly fed narratives about how these matches serve as preparation for the season ahead. In reality, it is just a way for clubs to pad their commercial revenue while giving us something to talk about while the transfer market stays stagnant. If you watch this, do it for the kits, not the tactical masterclass.

There is a recurring issue with these high-profile friendlies. Managers are terrified of showing their actual hand. They play with one eye on the bench and the other on the injury report. It leaves us with ninety minutes of tepid possession football that serves nobody's interest.

Where to ignore this game

If you genuinely have nothing better to do, the match is being broadcast across the usual streaming platforms. Check your local listings, though I promise you that watching paint dry on a cold Saturday morning would be a more riveting experience. The game kicks off at a time that is clearly designed for a global audience rather than the supporters who actually follow these teams through the mud.

I will be watching, but only because I am a glutton for punishment. Do not go into this expecting a clash of ideologies or a preview of a genuine rivalry battle. It is a business transaction disguised as a match, and the only thing we should hope for is that the final whistle blows without a major injury report surfacing afterward.