Xabi Alonso is bringing his phone-tag tactics to Stamford Bridge

Pull up a stool, grab a cold pint of Tennent's, and let's talk about the absolute circus that is Chelsea Football Club. We are only two days away from the official start of the Xabi Alonso era. Yet, the board is already behaving like a toddler with a credit card and a copy of Football Manager.

You have to love the sheer, unadulterated chaos of Stamford Bridge. While normal clubs spend June finalizing pre-season tours and scouting sensible targets, Chelsea's hierarchy is busy faxing lowball offers to the Championship. It is a level of comedy that you simply cannot buy.

According to reports from the Daily Mail, Alonso officially takes the wheel on July 1. He has actually been working behind the scenes for weeks. He is trying to install a new style that mixes street football with high-tech tactical preparation.

Alonso apparently bypasses the traditional tactics board. Instead, he sends detailed instructional video clips directly to the players' personal mobile phones. He is also famous for pulling off wild, last-second tactical shifts right before kickoff.

It is a fascinating approach for a squad that has spent the last three years looking like they do not even know each other's names. Imagine being a twenty-year-old winger playing video games at 2:00 AM. Suddenly, your phone buzzes with a video of Alonso showing you how to press a fullback.

This is the same manager who just had a massive blip at Real Madrid. The Spanish giants chewed him up and spat him out, but Chelsea are convinced that Madrid's loss is their ultimate gain. They believe he can channel that classic street-smart attitude to whip this bloated squad into shape.

But how is he supposed to build a tactical masterpiece when the board is shopping in the discount bin? The headline of the week is the club's bizarre pursuit of a former Arsenal captain. Yes, Chelsea actually lodged a formal transfer bid for Granit Xhaka.

Bidding eight million for Granit Xhaka is peak Chelsea comedy

Let that sink in for a second. We are talking about the Swiss midfielder who is currently playing his trade for Sunderland. Chelsea decided that the missing piece in their billion-pound puzzle was an aging enforcer in the North East.

As the BBC confirmed, Chelsea launched a £8m bid to pry Xhaka away from the Stadium of Light. The response from Sunderland was swift and brutal. They rejected the offer immediately and told Chelsea that their experienced midfielder is absolutely not for sale.

Getting rejected by Sunderland over an eight-million-pound bid is the kind of banter that makes English football the greatest soap opera on earth. Imagine the phone call between the Chelsea directors and Sunderland. They probably thought they could just wave a few bills and walk away with their man.

Instead, they got told to pack their bags and go home. Xhaka might be in the twilight of his career, but Sunderland recognize his value to their squad. They are not interested in helping Chelsea solve their self-inflicted midfield puzzle.

This bid is a classic example of the club's scattergun recruitment policy. One day they are buying every eighteen-year-old wonderkid in South America. The next day they are trying to buy a thirty-something midfielder who used to throw his Arsenal shirt on the floor.

Where does Xhaka even fit in Alonso's high-tech system? Is Alonso going to send detailed video clips to Xhaka's phone showing him how to collect yellow cards? It makes zero sense from a sporting perspective.

The Chelsea midfield already has Enzo Fernandez and Moises Caicedo, who cost a combined national debt of a small country. Why are we trying to buy a guy who probably thinks a smartphone is a high-tech toaster? The lack of alignment between the manager's vision and the recruitment team is glaring.

If Alonso wants to play fluid, modern football, he needs dynamic, forward-thinking midfielders. Xhaka has his qualities, but mobility has never been one of them. He is a brick wall, not a Ferrari.

It raises serious questions about who is actually making these transfer decisions. Is it Alonso, or is it a committee of executives playing darts with a board of veteran players? If it is the latter, Chelsea fans are in for a long, painful season.

The clearance rack is open and Como is browsing

While Chelsea fail to buy midfielders from the Championship, they are actively trying to push their own players out the door. Trevoh Chalobah is once again on the chopping block. The academy graduate has been treated like a spare part for years despite always performing when called upon.

Now, Italian club Como has stepped forward with an official offer for Chalobah. As reported on the Sky Sports transfer blog, Como is eager to bring the defender to Serie A. This is another classic Chelsea move.

They push out home-grown players to balance the books. Then they waste that money on weird target men and veteran midfielders. It is a vicious cycle that has left the squad looking like a mismatched jigsaw puzzle.

Chalobah deserves better than being treated as pure profit on an accounting spreadsheet. He is a reliable defender who has put in some great shifts in a blue shirt. Sending him to Como while chasing Sunderland players is peak comedy.

If you think the English market is wild, look at what is happening in Europe. Trabzonspor has just launched a raid on AC Milan. They submitted a bid for Samuel Chukwueze.

According to details that Sempre Milan reported, the Turkish club put €15m on the table for the Nigerian winger. It shows that the transfer market is heating up across the continent. Everyone is looking for a bargain.

Chukwueze has struggled for consistency in Italy. But a move to Turkey could revive his career. It is the kind of transfer that makes sense for all parties, unlike Chelsea's bizarre hunt for Xhaka.

Alonso has his work cut out for him. He is inheriting a dressing room that is probably confused by the constant stream of new faces. He needs to establish his authority from day one.

His tactical approach is demanding. Sending videos to players' phones requires them to actually watch them. Some of these players look like they struggle to focus on a pre-match briefing, let alone homework sent via WhatsApp.

The "street football" element of his philosophy is also intriguing. It suggests he wants more freedom and unpredictability. But you cannot have unpredictability if your players do not understand the basic structure first.

His time at Real Madrid ended poorly, leaving critics questioning his elite credentials. He cannot afford another high-profile failure. Stamford Bridge is a graveyard for managers who cannot get immediate results.

The fans are already skeptical. They have seen elite managers come and go while the squad remains a disorganized mess. Alonso will not get a long honeymoon period.

If he loses his first few games, the pressure will be immense. The media will start pointing to his Madrid failure. The fans will start wondering why they did not hire a more proven winner.

And if the board keeps making bids like the one for Xhaka, Alonso will be fighting with one hand tied behind his back. He needs players who fit his style, not random veterans who happen to be available.

The Xhaka saga is hopefully over. Sunderland's firm stance should force Chelsea to look elsewhere. But you never know with this board; they might return with a ten-million-pound bid tomorrow.

Alonso needs to take control of the transfer policy. He must demand veto power over these bizarre bids. Otherwise, his tactical videos will be wasted on players who cannot execute them.

So grab another drink and settle in. The next few weeks are going to be wild. With Alonso at the helm and the board on the loose, Chelsea will be the most entertaining show in town.